Good morning, afternoon, evening. Good night, happy yesterday and greetings tomorrow.

These are just some of the very confusing things you could be saying if you were the proud owner of the all new EI ‘Temporary Time Dilation Device’.*

How does it work, many of you capable of thought are probably wondering. Well allow me to enlighten you with SCIENCE! TM.

Essentially the TTDD rips open a dangerously unstable viewing window through time with the careful use of high powered lasers. By melting through the tiny strings that hold linear time together you can create a big enough ‘Time Hole’ with which you can view an alternate moment of existence.

We would recommend viewing periods of no longer than 0.3 seconds personal relative time, as longer exposure may cause time to fall on you and quite frankly our insurance just doesn’t cover that. Also if you purchase your very own TTDD before the 3rd anniversary of the fall of Mars you will receive a free ‘Time Welder’. This handy little tool was developed shortly after it was noted that leaving unstable ‘Time Holes’ all over the place was not such a great idea, as a number of people, animals and heavy objects would ‘accidentally’ fall through them and be jettisoned randomly throughout history.**

Should you intentionally open a ‘Time Hole’ or accidentally stumble across one and happen to have your ‘Time Welder’ handy, simply apply the hot end (Clearly labeled on the Welder) to the hole to apply a ten year or so temporary cover. If you then send a postcard addressed to Vortex & Time Holes Inc. *** explaining the location of the hole a more permanent solution can be arranged.

As always, you’re welcome.
Rick Thorne
CEO Enigmatic Industries
* Other things you might say include – Ohh so that’s what my face looks like from the other side, Why is everything on fire? And Poodles?

** We would like to apologise in advance for all the pyramids that might have been pushed through a time hole for, in their words ‘a bit of a joke.’ If you are unaware of any pyramids being out of place in time please forget this apology and report to the nearest EI approved ‘Happy Brain’ centre.

*** Postcards should be stamped with two second class and one first class recorded airmail, handed to the nearest man who looks like he might be called Terrance and told that ‘The last Sunday of June is terribly long.’

Advertisements

A little update

Posted: November 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

Unlike the last time I vanished for a little while, this time it has been because of other writing based side projects, so in my opinion not an entirely terrible thing as you now have two sets of my ramblings to view, should you wish to do so.

Podcasts have also been set in motion, with links to follow as soon as that goes live. As the shows are going to be review/ tech/ cool stuff I want to talk about based, if there is anything you would like reviewed please do get in touch and I will see what I can do.

So for now, I shall leave you with a couple of links further demonstrating that you are in all likely hood reading the ravings of a mad person.

http://www.enigmaticindustries.wordpress.com

http://www.facebook.com/enigmaticindustries

You can also find me occasionally posting on Twitter with the #enigmaticindustries

Enigmatic away!

Tired? On fire? Constipated?

Posted: October 13, 2013 in Humor
Tags: , , ,

Did you know that nearly 300% of all populations suffer from the above and many more, equally rediculous situations? Statistics have proven that all other attempts to cure this dire state of existence has failed, science has given up and gone home to think about what it has done while even our trusted friend ‘reality’ is no longer answering our calls.

Here at the enigmatic institute of unreasonable situations (and cattle wrangling) we too thought about giving up, but then, as if from nowhere all of our problems seemed solved when we were paid literally billions of dollars in used fish to carry on our research in this tricky field.

With this new resource we were able to create the following must have products, which are being shipped directly into your home as we speak while we have already taken the money directly from your bank! How convenient is that? Very, I know, we like to do this to show we care.*

So with a little more ado, please sit up and pay attention as we tell you why you need this rubbish and what it does.

‘Enigmstics’ Fish Tonic’
Pretty much does what it says on the tin, if it came in a tin that is. This non descript paste in a grey unmarked tube will almost certainly stop things from itching, cure baldness+ and help you fight off alien invasions**. You need this because if you don’t use it fast, it will go off and then your house will smell.

‘Enigmstics’ Fish Surprise’
Yes, it’s made of fish, but what is the surprise? Well, just how darn useful this secret blend of fish and probably not so radioactive goop actually is! Hidden from so called consumer protection agencies, we’ve spent days making and shipping this strange smelling, odd glowing slop, so that you, the victim consumer can benifit from its miraculous healing properties without having to worry about pesky things like health and of course, safety. It’s uses range from detering shark attacks to emergency masonry repairs. It can also be used over long term to bend empires to your will as you conquer the galaxy, though we recommend first purchasing a ‘my first space crusade’ kit from our online store.

Remember, if it isn’t Enigmatic your probably not doing it right.

Enigmatic away!

* Please don’t confuse our stealing of your money with actual consideration for your wellbeing, all of these products are toxic and we simply had no space to store all these pieces of fish. I mean, who does, right?

+ By cure, we just mean your head will be covered in fish paste.

** Alien invasions refers to our future computer game in which you must smell like fish before you can start to play. This is of no actual use against real aliens, unless they have an allergy to fish, in which case we are probably safe anyway as what idiot tries to invade a planet with such a high volume of sea life when it’s deadly to them. Stupid alergic to fish aliens.

An Enigmatic guide: Generic Rap

Posted: September 25, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Having been subjected to this a fair bit at work, I feel that this could be the opportune moment to impart my new found wisdom with all those who either now or in the future wish to be rappers. By this I mean successful rappers, not talented ones. If your after the latter I recommend looking up some George Watsky.

So you’ve decided to be sub par at best, congratulations, you will probably make a lot of money this way. Now all you have to do is follow these simple rules.

1) Find a section of a song you like. Failing this find three notes you like in sequence and then play this in loop for about 5 minutes. This is the background of your song. If you can’t even manage this, find someone else to write three notes for you and then use those.

2) Before you can even think about writing some lyrics to your new song you must first gain the right reputation. Even the most generic of rap will fail on the market if you haven’t said at least seven sexist things and threatened to kill whoever the most local to you rap star is. Idealy if you can get shot a little bit and do as many drugs as you can get your hands on, a couple of messy divorces and learn how to really hold a grudge you will be well on your way here.

3) The Rap – now this is where it gets really easy. It’s important to state at the very beginnng of every song you ever make that you are original and the first. Even though the actual firsts died years before you, or anyone else curently performing, were even born fact has very little to do with this statement. Say it boldly and often. Apparently after a while people will start to believe you, or are just too polite to say otherwise.

Haters – it is also important to give your song immunity from said ‘haters’ by mentioning that you are aware of their feelings towards your song, and retort by stating that the only reson they feel this way is because they couldn’t possibly understand what you have done to get to where you are now. They may also be jellous, mention that too if you can.

Da Club/Popo – mention how you spend your time between getting it on with ‘bitches’ and being followed by the police for being just too hard core for their poor little minds to take. If you could also glorify domestic violence, murder and human trafficing you should have everything you need for a world class generic rap song.

4) Find some washed out hasbeen with a big name to sign you to their label if you don’t feel like doing it alone. Should you chose that option it becomes very important to mention their name in every song, not even at relevant points either, just whenever you feel like reminding everyone that you’ve run out of lyrics again and had to fall back on mentioning who is paying for all this, again.

And there you have it, a fool proof guide to producing very low quality money making rap for the masses. You can thank me with 10%.

Enigmatic away!

Hello one and all once again to the latest installment of ‘Dragons V Tanks made of ninja that fire lasers from their eyes’, the non stop action quiz show that features not only really obscure questions but a 99.9% chance that at least someone will end up on fire.

Then stay tuned later on this evening for an all singing, all dancing and all smothered lava in the one off pre-Halloween special of ‘Hey, that’s my nose!’

Okay, I’ll be honest. Those are not really real tv shows, but if anyone would like to donate a dragon and or grant access to an active volcano in just ten short years you could be watching this with your very own face!*

Or maybe you’re more of a radio person? If so you could be in luck, as soon there will be no more radio and you can go back to watching tv like everyone else. I mean come on! How could anyone possibly enjoy listening to something when there could be pictures. It’s not like the lack of a visual medium has prompted people to work really hard on creating excellent dialogue to build the scene mentally now is it. Is it? No, of course not. Unless your using new ‘Brain Picture’ of course! Made in an undisclosed location to avoid production restrictions by local authorities, ‘Brain Picture’ is the only way, safe or otherwise, to project someone else’s imagination straight into your brain!**

Enigmatic away!

*own face not included and must be sourced from an independent manufacturer. Own face and the own face logo (insert face here) is owned by the faceless corporation and should never be used for anything, ever. Failure to comply with the EULA handed out with each new own face may result in repossession of your shoes. You have been warned.

** Brain Picture accepts no responsibility for anything, ever. Side effects may include exploding, death, no longer being alive, disintegration, evaporation, dehydration, WW3, ‘Napalm’ rash and ‘the shits’.

So today I made, edited and posted online my first ever video blog. Yes, it’s rusty and I think you might be able to spot that I’m very much an amateur when it comes to this sort of thing. That being said it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, making videos that is, and this blog seems like a nice way to break the ice as it were and just start making stuff.

Anyway, would be interested to know what you think, maybe you can recommend some good editing software I can use?

Enigmatic Away!

Video  —  Posted: August 7, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Continuing from my plans of probable insanity a question has been raised which I believe lies within the realms of ethics.

It is my design that a library or archive of knowledge and place of thought exists. Sadly that is a very simplistic work motto, and doesn’t really help to define what this thing is or could eventually be.

The problem that I am aware of is I have a few options with the path such a place could take.
The first is that it welcomes literally every piece of information and that every opinion is to be given weight of consideration. Essentially there would be no artificial filter.

The second is where there are guidelines in an attempt to only collect materials and opinions of worth. Things that are, by these guidelines, considered to not be of worth or even harmful to those that would use them would not be welcomed inside.

The third option is a middle ground. Everyhing is welcomed to be presented but there would need to be a filter of some kind where people could put forward their argument for the inclusion of the material. (For sake of ease take the word material to encompass all activities and things to exisit with the walls of this place). If the proposition is well made and the filter group agrees then the materials are added.

So the problem is, which of these, or maybe even an entirely different system, would have the best overall effect to keep the project in line with its purpose? My current thoughts would be that the third option would keep things ultimately in line with my goal. A filter group would allow people of whichever time to keep the materials relevant to them, topics which are taboo now may not be in the future, or our understanding of something may so radically change that if hard guidelines were set out and left something important could be missed in the future. While I feel that no filter at all would ultimately lead to chaos and a breakdown of all I hope to achive here.

Anyway, would very much welcome your thoughts and discussion on this matter. I look forwards to your comments!

Enigmatic away!